I have been ignoring you. I have been in a rut, overrun by obligations and responsibilities to think much about you or anybody beyond the realms of my routine. For this I apologise, as I cherish our correspondence like old friends catching up for the first time over dinner and wine after a long time apart. I hope you do not take my tardiness personally.
Thank you for constantly reminding me to reflect on myself and how I feel in the world. Perhaps that is why I have taken so long to write to you July because in all honesty, I am sitting at a crossroads and I think I have been experiencing denial.
By no means am I insinuating that my life is in shambles or that I am experiencing a significant crisis in which I feel discontent about the world at large. No, I am learning albeit slowly, how to live my life surrounded by seemingly unending uncertainty, like driftwood being thrashed by the waves of the wild sea.
I yearn for idle, quiet time alone where the world hangs still, except for the soft brushes of overgrown grass and the gossiping howls of wind which remind me that I am alive.
I think of places where I feel small and my aspirations aren't about my place in society.
These escapist thoughts are my own denial of the perception of my current state in which I live my "normal" life. I have been working full-time for 18 months now and constantly pushed myself outside of work to grow through volunteering. I have also had to start figuring out what my next steps for my own career and my home as well, which has left seldom time for my own rest.
It took two weeks of obsessing over why I kept thinking I was a fragile droplet of water hanging from a shower-head, waiting to fall and break upon collision with the neglected shower floor to realise that I was exhausted and burnt out.
I feel it is likely now that my bleak, existential, hyper-self-aware thoughts and terrible shower-head life metaphors are of concern to you. To that I say thank you and I appreciate your concern but there is no need.
These are thoughts which don't make it into everyday conversations, but they are thoughts which happen for most people, particularly reflective types like me. It is socially undesirable and unacceptable to show sadness now, especially online, without a giant life-changing event being the cause. This dehumanises sadness and consequently we end up internalising it, questioning why we feel this way when everyone else has portrayed their life glamorously online.
I feel sad because I am in my early 20's; I am finding my own place in this world and it is especially hard when simultaneously you are dealing with many life events - heartwarming and heartbreaking - for the first time as an independent person.
Sometimes all we all need a reminder to be compassionate to ourselves; to be unafraid of acknowledging sadness as a pedestrian part of life. Being sad does not mean I am unable to experience moments of joy or appreciate the beauty of my natural surroundings. On the contrary, I have been on more adventures away than ever to places I have always wanted to explore which have been calming, reinvigorating and helped me feel somewhat stable for extended periods.
Right now I am lying down in a valley; learning from loss; healing from pain; resting my soul; regaining my sanity before I stir myself back into climbing the hill of life again. I am sad July, but I know I will be okay in the end.
I hope you have been well July. I will write to you again about some of the beautiful things I have seen recently before you go.
Lots of love,
Thomas xx
© 2026 Thomas Feng
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