Keeping Score

Letters to July 2020: VI

By Thomas Feng

July 31^st, 2020

Dear July,

I can't believe you're already leaving. This month with you has been a tiring blur.

Somehow my body instinctively knew it was time to bid you farewell. It's been an exact year since I was rushed into hospital for surgery on a fractured wrist where they stuck a screw to keep my wrist together that was bound by a piece of bone taken from my hip.

I was up just a tick before 7am this morning, the same time as when I frantically left last year. And I didn't get out of bed until after 11, which was the time I regained consciousness in agonising pain.

The body keeps score.

I have been reading about trauma this month, and how this can manifest problems in our physical and mental health down the track. It is important to address our wounds, rather than let them scar us.

After surgery, I underwent hand therapy for four months to regain movement and flexibility. I wasn't able to exercise outside of running for even longer. My wrist won't ever be 100% again, and that is my own scar for forgetting myself.

The body keeps score. And I have slowly started to remember things I used to do effortlessly.

Without any jolting pain or soreness I can do a few push-ups and not regret it the next day; I can shoot and dribble a basketball properly without having to adjust or compensate my technique to conserve my wrist; I can ride my bike holding both handlebars; I can hold a full cup of tea with either hand.

I truly believe the gradual process of healing to get back in sync with my body would not have happened by now if I had not been enduring two quarantine lockdowns.

July, I have been keeping score with you over the years.

Somehow you have inflicted many of my wounds, melding my own chaotic lifestyle with a combination of life's heartbreak and my own self-loathing.

I don't hold that against you. Rather I treat it as a reminder of how to try and deal with discomfort: accept it, live with it, express it and persevere through.

This year has been different. While we are living through the challenge of a global pandemic, my own individual life has been strangely steady. You have given me time and space to reflect, and I have realised the gradual steps of meaningful, tangible action needed to feel better again.

Dealing with discomfort through acceptance and perseverance has been necessary to cope and survive. But I have been missing something for a while July.

Rejection. Rejection that things will always be this way.

For so long I have been running, sprinting, hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I don't think there will ever be an end, and what I really need is to stop and find the torch and rekindle the spark which will guide me along the way.

So July this is where we bid adieu.

Thanks for always listening to my existential whining.

Thanks for not breaking my wrist.

Thanks for helping me stop for a moment to look for the torch.

I hope you've enjoyed your time with me, and that you felt like you had permission and space to be radically honest, empathetic and express what you needed to express.

With love until next year, Thomas

P.S. Well hello dear reader! How was your July? You made it. Was it alright? I hope this series helped make your July more meaningful and bearable. You can check out my previous letters to July and read back on my tenuous relationship with this month. Thank you for being part of the ride and for all of your kindness, connection and support. It really does mean the world.